Emotional and Financial Asset Division in Divorce

Emotional and Financial Asset Division in Divorce

By Dr. Deborah Hecker
Thursday, September 9th, 2010

Dividing the money in divorce is fraught with emotional stress.

Untangling the financial and emotional weave of a couple’s life together as they go their separate ways through divorce adds months, or even years, to the divorce process.  Even as they navigate the legal terrain of divorce, each member of the couple must grapple with lifestyle changes, new budgets, and long-held views about money, family, and what happens to the money when the family is torn asunder.

Usually, a couple fighting over money during divorce has had their fair share of battles over the issue throughout the marriage.  But divorce adds to the mix because each member of the couple often wishes to be financially compensated for the emotional turmoil they suffered as the marriage unraveled.  For example, the partner being left frequently believes that she or he should receive a sort of “pain and suffering” payment, since the end of their marriage is “not my fault.”  Conversely, the partner who is leaving may feel entitled to a greater share of the marital assets in order to begin their new life if they’ve made significant lifestyle concessions to the other party.  Both parties usually see the marital home as more “mine” than “ours” for various emotional and financial reasons.

Divorce therapy can help resolve the intense emotional conflicts both parties suffer, helping the divorce to progress toward an equitable settlement that will allow each individual to get on with her or his life.  Conversely, one or both partners may use fights that are ostensibly over money to stall an unwanted divorce.  Couples with children may place them squarely in the middle of the battle, arguing over which parent will manage money for the kids and how it will be spent, and in that process creating collateral damage in the form of their children’s emotional health.

If divorcing parties don’t resolve their internal issues over emotions and money, these matters may cause problems in the years following the divorce, especially where children are involved.  Even couples without children often harbor bitterness towards one another regarding the other party’s perceived misuse of alimony and marital assets.  While their anger and resentment may be understandable, one or both parties may become stuck in a rut that prevents them from finding new happiness as single persons.

If divorce therapy is still not sought at this point, divorced individuals often carry heavily-loaded emotional baggage concerning finances into their new relationships.  The new partner is often surprised at the degree to which she or he is viewed with suspicion and mistrust when the relationship is still new and unproven.  Projection of an ex’s negative qualities onto a new partner has caused the demise of many fledgling relationships and can even result in yet another divorce down the road.

Given the potential pain that could be lessened or avoided, participating in divorce therapy sessions becomes an excellent investment in the future of a divorcing individual.